“Marry a White man, they treat women better. They are more affectionate, they cook, clean and help with the children. Look at my palms.” She pantomimed, unfurling both hands. “Look at how callous they are. If you marry these African men you will be subjected to a lifetime of Fufu pounding and Banku pressing. Take your uncle for example, he will not touch yesterday’s leftovers with a broomstick. Serve a White man1minute microwaved noodles and he will wolf it down and not even complain about the missing goat meat. Amma, look at my palms are and take heed.”
Even before my aunt’s words started ringing in my ear, my early opinion of the White man had been shaped by carefully crafted Hollywood images. If he was not an action hero scooping women from burning homes, he was caressing her face in a long drawn kiss. Mr. White man was glorified in movies like Pretty Woman where he showed the depth of his heart by showering a prostitute with love and affection. The White man was elevated to the level where even their Ghosts were romantic, refer to Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore. The silver screened African man on the other hand, was a polygamous non-hero. He was unfaithful, ungrateful and uncaring. He bore minimal traits of romance and tenderness and if he held a woman, it was at a funeral scene, or to throw her out of her marital home. In real life African homes, most mothers perpetuated the image of the man as a disciplinarian and a no-nonsense provider. A handshake from a husband is considered as affection - anything more is saved for behind closed doors. With movies, music, proverbs and history on my side, I had subconsciously formed the opinion that the road to happiness came from marriage to an Obroni.
Then I moved to Toronto and met a married, church-going, white couple. In public, they were as perfect as Brad and Angelina on a red carpet. He was respectful, attentive and punctuated his sentences with a kiss on her lips. In private, he was brash and distant. When his sharp tongue was coated with a shot of vodka, he was exceptionally abusive. He would deliver searing insults and castigations at his wife until she sobbed. It did not matter that she was the one who cooked, cleaned and gardened. It did not matter that he depended on her to unclog the toilet or change a bulb, he remained remarkably unappreciative. Here, before my very eyes, the epitome of my perfect couple disintegrated. Like many of the women I called auntie, ‘Angelina’ also continued to stay in her marriage. She explained that after marrying 4 times and changing her name 3 times, she had little faith that another man would be different. Angelina was just a disillusioned with men as many African women are. Clearly, unscrupulous men can be found in any continent. Arnold Schwarzenegger has been now been inducted to the hall of shame of high profile names who cheat on their wives. If you need more examples, look no further than Bill Clinton, Dominique Strauss-Khan, John Edwards, Francois Mitterrand, Sarkozy, Berlusconi, Larry King, Donald Trump, Rupert Murdoch, Jesse James, JFK… Not forgetting the unmentionable surnames of Ghanaian women who married white men for the wrong reasons, only to encounter the fate of their Ghanaian counterparts.
There are a few good men, but then again, anything good is hard to find. It is hard to find a good hairdresser, a good school or a good church. Heck! I am still trying to find a good doctor who is taking patients. As banal as it sounds, anything good is hard to find. A good woman is hard to come by and although a good man does not come easy, they exist. My friend Cherie’s parents are from Jamaica. Her father is loving and dependable. He is also a faithful and affectionate husband. My friend Renee is married to a wonderful Ghanaian man. They have one child together who is my goddaughter. Spend time with them and you will want to get married. He does not lord over her and she does not manipulate him. Theirs is a true partnership not a fairytale. He admits that after 11 years, he knows that marriage is not easy, but he and Renee choose to work at it. He tells me that Vajayjays are thrown his way at a discount and for free, but he refuses to double dip because he knows what he stands to lose.
My auntie Eno is married to a quiet and unassuming man who has not known any other woman in the biblical sense. He is easy to please and attentive. On Saturdays, he can be found washing the dishes and eating Cream of wheat. He does not engage in acrimonious fights with his wife, rather, they work in tandem to put food on the table to feed their 5 children. For 30 years, they have shared a bond so endearing that I had to ask my aunt to spill her manipulative secrets on how she got such a good man on lock down. Without blinking she said “Even before I knew him, I was praying him into my life.” The praying never ceased. They have prayed their way out of a tiny apartment to a big house. They’ve prayed through public transit, unemployment, hysterectomy and more. To this day, they continue to pray. So there you have it my dear readers. It is not race, religion or culture that makes a happy union. It is prayer.
Disclosure: This article is faith based, but if you don’t work on who you are, no amount of prayer can help you.
This is beautiful. I am praying for my man to come to me
"A few good men" You got that right Amma. White or black, good men are hard to come by.
Ama, I love this with all my heart. You won't believe how many people I have had this argument with, who steadfastly believe without any shred of doubt, that a white man/woman equal good marriage. This article is spot on, BRAVO!
Thank you Obaa. I love that you love it. mission accomplished
Ama, I love this with all my heart. You won't believe how many people I have had this argument with, who steadfastly believe that a white man/woman equal good marriage. This article is spot on, BRAVO!
Loves it
The thing about prayer is that you have to be willing to wait for it to be answered! That's the hardest part.
Afi, that is so profound!.
Prayer can only do so much to heal a broken heart. It can’t heal it 100%…that’s harder than waiting
Dear Broken,
Prayer accompanied by time absolutely heals a broken heart 100%. I would even say beyond 100%. It did for me and many other women I know. Just give it time and live life by engaging yourself in numerous activities and meeting new people so that you are not dwelling on the ex.
Good luck.
Amma, thanks very much for such an amazing article. You really did touch on some nerves. I did agree with most of what you had to say but then again, as a man who was born and raised in Africa, I think when it comes to treating your woman good and being affectionate, the white man is better in doing that than an African man. As for cheating, every man cheats but if you were to compare a black man and a white man as to whose the champion of cheating, the black man would win hands down. I have black and white friends and when I look at the way they treat their wives and girlfriends, the white men always come on top as being committed, reliable, trustworthy, loving, kind, affectionate and caring. Don't get me wrong, I have seen some white dudes cheat on their women but it is just on a smaller scale. On the other hand, the black men are always controlling, manipulative, cheaters, not affectionate and most of all disrespectful to their women, and to some extent, I think because the women allow it.
There are exceptions and I am very sure your aunt Eno was very fortunate to have found a black / african man who is down to earth and treats her like a queen. There are also a lot of african / black men out there who are affectionate, loving and you can name them but some of the black women nowadays don't appreciate that. They are always looking for a strong man who can take ultimate decisions and when so much power is given to black / african men, they tend to abuse it and disrespect their women.
I have met some black women in the past who were surprised that I could cook and clean. Some appreciated what I did to them and for them and some of them abuse me in everyway that a man can be abused and told me that I was not a strong black man. They even compared me to an OBRONI (White) man because I was overtly affectionate than most of the black / african men they've known and been with. Due to all of the abuse, I was like, maybe I am just fine with an OBRONI woman but then again, I was like I am attracted to a black woman but as it it is right now, I will just go or the best woman out there be it black or white because everyone deserves a chance and it doesn't matter where one is from or what race they are. Once they are loving and caring, and at least a Christian and spiritual, go for whoever makes you happy and don't listen to what society would have to say because at the end of the tunnel, it's your happiness. Just to add, I would urge sisters out there to not wait for their black prince as your family or friends would like you to, instead there are a lot of fine and caring white men out there who would appreciate you and treat you like a queen. same applies to the brothers as well.
Hmm. Not sure if I agree, I'm leaning towards if you know were to look. You can find a white husband who is way better than most black husbands. I've been married to my (White) husband for 5 years. He's a few years younger and we met at university. You can't find a more loving and protective man.
Of course if you stupid enough to marry a man twice you age you are going to set yourself up for divorce.
Hi am also an indian (neither a black nor a white but fair enough) i looks pretty with cute face,am a north indian hindu, want to marry a white guy, but as i stay in india can’t find white people over here , if i’ll go out of india then i can’t stay more than two months , question is how can i find a good guy in two months?It is much complicated, as am an indian i don’t believe in divorce, i want a long life relationship,and i am a 19 year old girl…
love it, amma!
i totally agree with you, but it goes without saying that white men treat women better than black men; even black men who have gotten a little western exposure happens to be better than men who have hasn’t gotten any such exposure. so i think there is a fundamental problem with our social upbringing, especially here in Ghana.
i totally agree with you, but it goes without saying that white men treat women better than black men; even black men who have gotten a little western exposure happen to be better than men who haven’t gotten any such exposure. so i think there is a fundamental problem with our social upbringing, especially here in Ghana.
I can see you’re trying really hard but just for the record on the cheating husbands issue, Francois Mitterand who was the president of France was never married, he had a lover and he died single, silvio Berlusconi is not married, he has concubines but you can’t call him a cheat because there is no one he can cheat on, Sarkozy was officialy seperated from his wife then re-married the French singer so the title cheater can not be applied on him, Donald trump is a marrying man, he marries and divorces and that’s not a cheater, Rupert Murdoch was long long long divorced before he met and married his new Japanese wife.
So please get your facts right, and as for using Hollywood movies as a reference, this shows a lack of broad spectrum knowledge, something essential to a real writer, you’re not there yet and i don’t think you will ever get there, you might impress simple minded people with your village style stories..but that’s it you can’t go beyond your intellectual incapacity..go learn something better is my advise…
whats with the attacking? if she aint good enough to u why are u on her page?
God gives good man to a woman n the vice versa……with prayer, faith and good character, as a woman u’ll get ur choice of man….whether black or white.
Hmmmmmm is my dearm to love and marry a white man but can’t find one
I love white people cos there are romatic nd dere no how to treat a lady right and I want to get married to them plz am really seachin for a white man for marriage and also real ones!!
My name is shiromi living in srilanka I am 29 height 5.5″ and slim girl .following Buddhist .so would like to marry a white person from newzealand , France, Germany, pls he must be a honest boy I need a husband for forever for my life .his age should be 30_40 . Pls anyone help me to find a good boy . Pls help me .my email: [email protected]
my name is Eve, i really dreamd of marrying a white guy coz from my opinion i think they are romantic an treat a woman with respect. I already have 2kids an if ur willing to take me as i am, u wil c how special i am coz i really dnt hav luck with black guys. I think is time to live my dream life wit a romantic white guy. No chancers please. I am 30yrs an i would like a man of 30 to 40yrs in SA.
I really want to marry a white man,please help me!
I would love to spend eternity with a white man,am a nigerian,23 yrs,email me on [email protected],I am rilly tired of dis constant hrtbrks by nigerian guys